By Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

The Trigger

The fantasy of warm, sweaty, grunty, slippery, exciting but familiar sex had been shattered.  The carefully planned romantic dinner topped with sex had been destroyed by Dan’s wife’s fussiness about  the restaurant.  Like an awkward stranger riding home in the same car with Cherie, Dan let out long frequent sighs of exasperated frustration. Indignation boiled up inside him, but he didn’t say a word. Back home every noisy exaggerated movement was calculated to highlight  his sense of martyrdom.

The Unforgiving Anger

Weary of the tension between them Cherie cuddled up to Dan in bed that night. She wanted to feel close to her husband again. Sex was the best way of making up, feeling good and repairing the breech. The foreplay began with Cherie stroking and kissing Dan in all the places she knew that turned him on. Dan moved away. He didn’t want to forgive her that easily. 

Resentment Results in Impotence

In the next two weeks Dan’s mood softened and he found himself wanting sex badly. He was getting irritable, short tempered and tired of his self-imposed celibacy. He found himself getting instantly aroused at work when female colleagues were near by, and his urge to masturbate was interfering with his daily life. It was time to resume having sex with his wife. Exciting and erotic images of sex with Cherie culminated in him taking the initiative one night. Her eager response was instantly arousing. No more foreplay was necessary. He was ready for intercourse. But just at the crucial moment, he went limp.

How Fury Leads To Erectile Dysfunction

When Dan got mad at Cherie for not appreciating his efforts, and  for ignoring his needs, he had to survive an attack on his self image. The best way to bolster his sense of self-worth was to get angry. That made him feel righteous and entitled to deprive her of sex. Resentment towards Cherie turned into a need for vengeance. The need to punish her killed off feelings of sexual desire.

Days later when he had recovered from the rejection, Dan’s sexual desires returned. But the sexual circuitry in his body wasn’t ready to risk being vulnerable with the person who had badly wounded him only a couple of weeks ago.  Danger signals were being sent to his body  preventing Dan from having an erection.

Four  Steps For  Dan To Disconnect  His  Anger  From Sexual Performance

1. Write down the unspoken contract he made with Cherie in his mind.

It may say something like ‘ You will enjoy and appreciate my way of pleasing you at the time of my choosing.’ Seeing this expectation in black and white gives Dan a chance to become aware of what he is demanding and whether it is realistic.

2. Dan can ask himself who he is trying to please.

If he truly wants to please Cherie, he would do better to plan around her mood, and offer gifts when she is receptive. Paradoxically, he would then feel good because she responded well.

If he is trying to please himself  then he is setting himself up for disappointment because he cannot predict and control Cherie’s reactions.

3. Dan needs to decide whether he wants a puppet or a partner.

If he is resentful and irritated, acting the martyr, he probably wants a puppet. He will get furious when he cannot control the puppet, leading to impotence.

If he feels concern and empathy with Cherie, then he wants a partner. He will want to feel in tune with Cherie and enjoy her genuine pleasure when they do things together. He will be more flexible, timing his gifts for maximum effect. Intimacy will be enhanced and his sexual apparatus will feel safe enough to do it’s job when he asks it to perform.

4. Dan needs to share his expectations and disappointments with Cherie.

Talking to his wife about his wish to please her, and his disappointment when he fails will give Cherie the opportunity to teach Dan about how she operates. He can learn the how, what, when and where to show his love. That will create the impact he hopes for and make him a better husband. Cherie will get the message that he truly cares about contributing to her happiness, and will be more inviting in her response. Dan will benefit from feeling wanted, appreciated and loved. Healthy and mutually enjoyable sex will result.

Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.